


Snarky Car Bang

by thatsmistertoyou



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Car Sex, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post-Coital Cuddling, Snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2014-12-03
Packaged: 2018-03-19 09:37:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3605271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsmistertoyou/pseuds/thatsmistertoyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is pretty self-explanatory: they fuck in a car and it’s hilarious.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snarky Car Bang

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a conversation I had with Hunter about how goddamn hilarious it is to think of two overgrown men having car sex. Thanks to the baes for helping me out with this.

Phil had never been particularly interested in physics when he was in school. When he started uni, he had no doubt in his mind that he wanted to do media studies. However, now that he had a mostly-naked Dan on top of him in the backseat of his Civic, he found himself wishing he knew a bit more about physics.

“Oh my god, Phil, move your fucking  _leg!_ ” Dan growled, clearly growing impatient with the awkwardly close quarters.

“Which one?!” Phil asked indignantly, trying to slide his left one out from under Dan with no success. “If you moved your arse for two seconds, maybe I could.”

“My arse is a wonder of the modern world, Philip, and it should be treated with more respect,” Dan sniffed. Phil lifted his hips in order to free his leg, trying to think of where the fuck he could put it without dislocating something, when he heard a  _thump_ and Dan swearing.

“My scalp is now thoroughly acquainted with the roof of your car. Whose idea was this?!” Dan shuffled around so he was propped up with his knees on either side of Phil’s hips.

“I seem to recall someone telling me to, quote, ‘pull the fuck over so I can suck you off because I have an essay to write and, rather than being on top of that, I want to be on top of you’. Unquote.” Phil sat up just enough to lean on his elbows and smirk at Dan, who immediately pushed him onto his back.

“Yeah, well, that was before I realized how tiny your car is. For fuck’s sake, we’re both over six feet tall. Why did we think this would work?”

“I didn’t. But ‘Supermassive Black Hole’ came on shuffle and I guess that just gave you an insatiable urge to ride me.”

“Naturally,” Dan said, unbuttoning Phil’s jeans and maneuvering around so that he could yank them off of Phil’s legs. “Doesn’t that song just make you want to fuck someone until they can’t walk?”

“Not particularly, but I’m familiar with the feeling,” Phil said with a smirk, clasping his hands behind Dan’s neck and pulling him down for a kiss. Dan’s mouth molded against his with practiced ease, his fingers knotting in Dan’s hair.

Dan’s hand made quick work of the buttons of Phil’s shirt, impatiently attempting to slide it off of Phil’s shoulders.

“Move,” Dan muttered, and Phil’s response was better than he had asked for. Phil placed his hands on Dan’s hips, pushing down and back to grind their crotches together as he sat up just enough for Dan to shove the fabric off of his shoulder.

 _“Fuck,”_ Phil groaned as Dan pushed his shirt down to his elbows and balled it up in his fists. With only boxers between them, the friction was exquisite and messy and not nearly enough. It would have been easier for Dan to sit up straight while Phil lied flat on his back, but Dan was too tall; so he remained hunched over, gripping Phil’s shirt for leverage as their speed and urgency increased with every thrust.

 “Why - am I - on top -” Dan panted, releasing his hold and sitting up to wipe the sweat from his forehead. “I’m taller than you.”

“Your instructions were clear,” Phil smirked, shrugging the rest of the way out of his shirt and discarding it onto the pile of clothes on the floor.

“Oh, shut up.”

“Make me,” Phil challenged, and the words had barely escaped his lips before Dan’s were on them. Grinding subsided in favour of kissing, a collision of mouths and tongues fading into sweet and slow touches as they caught their breath.

Phil was thankful for the break, as he could now use his hands for exploration rather than guidance. He dragged his fingernails up Dan’s back, smooth and silky and slick with sweat. He smirked in satisfaction as he ran his hands back down, feeling the gooseflesh he had left in his wake.

Dan pulled back just enough to latch his mouth onto Phil’s neck, one hand on Phil’s chest and the other braced against the door.

 _“Shit,”_ Phil breathed when Dan nipped at his skin and then ran his tongue across the mark.

“That might be my favourite part,” Dan murmured into Phil’s neck, peppering kisses up to Phil’s ear.

“What?”

“Making you swear,” Dan whispered. “Watching you fall to pieces and lose control.”

Phil’s breathing hitched and he shivered, as Dan’s breath was hot against his ear.

“‘S not that hard to do,” Phil said with as much smugness as he could muster.

“Maybe not for me,” Dan said idly, his fingers tiptoeing down Phil’s stomach. “I know what makes you tick.”

“Oh, really?” Phil squeaked just as Dan had started to dip his hand into Phil’s boxers.

Dan only hummed in response, his eyes fixed on Phil’s face, relishing the little gasp that escaped Phil’s lips when Dan gripped his cock and pumped it.

“So, what?” Phil said, struggling to keep his breathing even. “Up, down. That’s how you touch a penis. Anyone can do that.”

Dan raised his eyebrows. Phil wanted to be difficult? He could be  _so_ difficult.

“Right, then. Well, I’d consider it an accomplishment if I were able to get you off in this tiny fucking backseat, but you don’t seem to want that to happen,” he said flippantly, releasing his grip, sitting back on his heels, and smirking at the sound of Phil’s boxer’s snapping back into place on his hips.

“Come on, I was only joking,” Phil whined, making grabby hands at Dan’s shoulders and motioning for him to lay down. But Dan wasn’t having it.

“You want to kill the mood by snarking at me? I can one-up you there, sweetheart.”

Dan leaned back down, slipping his fingers into Phil’s hair and tugging so that the previously unexplored side of Phil’s neck was exposed. He grazed his teeth against Phil’s skin, his hand slipping back under Phil’s boxers. One finger traced the length of Phil’s cock, teasing and providing no relief.

Dan reached down with both hands, dragging Phil’s underwear down his thighs to give himself more room to work. He muttered something into Phil’s shoulder as he worked up a rhythm, Phil thrusting up into his hand on the upstroke.

Phil failed to see how this was a punishment. His head was swimming, between the cramped space, the body heat, and Dan’s hand on his dick, it took him obscenely long to realise exactly what Dan was whispering under his breath.

_“Rebellious subjects, enemies to peace,_

_Profaners of this neighbour-stained steel —_

_Will they not hear? What, ho! you men, you beasts -”_

“Dan? What are you saying?”

Dan kept his head down, punctuating the lines with kisses under Phil’s jaw.

_“That quench the fire of your pernicious rage_

_With purple fountains issuing from your veins,_

_On pain of torture, from those bloody hands.”_

And then it clicked in Phil’s brain.

“Are you really reciting Shakespeare right now?” Phil said, perplexed. He was really struggling with how that was supposed to kill the mood. And then Dan sat up abruptly.

Dan tossed his free hand out in exaggerated emphasis as he continued, much louder this time.

_“Throw your mistemper’d weapons to the ground,_

_And hear the sentence of your moved prince!”_

Dan continued to stroke Phil’s cock as he said the lines, as though he were performing in a large theatre with no microphones.

“One, two,  _three civil brawls_ ,” he said, punctuating every word with a pump on Phil’s cock,  _“bred of an airy word.”_

“Okay, Dan, you’ve made your point,” Phil said, but it was hard to put annoyance in his voice when Dan continued to work his dick like it was the accompanying stage direction to the monologue.

“ _By thee, old Capulet, and Montague,_

 _Have thrice disturb’d the quiet of our streets -_ that means three times,” Dan said, breaking character and stroking Phil carefully three more times - agonizingly slow - running his thumb over Phil’s slit each time.

 _“Fuck,”_ Phil breathed. “Okay, you’ve made your point.”

“Have I?” Dan whispered against Phil’s mouth before kissing him. Phil kissed back hungrily, biting Dan’s lower lip and full-on moaning into his mouth.

Phil’s hips bucked up to meet Dan’s hand every time; at least, as much as they could without forcing Dan to hit his head on the roof of the car.

“Good, because I want to ride you so fucking badly,” Dan breathed, removing his hand to reach into the center console of the front seat, smirking a bit in satisfaction when he heard Phil whine.

“How? We haven’t got the room.”

Dan seemed to consider that, frowning at the bottle of lube as he turned it over in his hand. He wiped his wrist across his forehead and placed the condom he had grabbed onto the console.

“Whatever we do, let’s do it quickly, cos I’m sweating my tits off.”

“Would be more useful if you could sweat your legs off,” Phil said as they helped each other remove their boxers completely.

Dan snorted, squeezing some lube onto his fingers and warming it up.

“What was the logic behind reciting Shakespeare at me while giving a handjob?” Phil asked, willing his erection not to notice the little gasp Dan let out as he began fingering himself.

“To prove I could still get you off while annoying you,” Dan said, his voice tight.

“By definition, you’re always annoying me,” Phil said, catching Dan by the hips as he nearly collapsed onto Phil after assuming an awkward position.

“Hey, let me do it,” Phil said, a wicked grin that Dan didn’t see curving his mouth.

“Alright, but first we have to move. I’m currently running the risk of never being able to stretch my spine fully.”

Phil complied, and they essentially switched positions: Dan on his back and Phil sitting between his legs.

“How’s that?” Phil asked, and Dan stretched his arms up before placing his hands behind his head.

“Much better.”

“Good,” Phil said, circling one slick finger around Dan’s hole before pushing in slowly.

“Hurry up,” Dan whined. “Been attending to  _your_ needs while suffocating on the fumes of those tacos you bought last week.”

Phil rolled his eyes, feigning disinterest in Dan’s tiny squeals of pleasure as he worked his finger in and out.

“I bet I could finish you off just like this,” Phil said, slipping in another finger and watching Dan’s chest rise, pause for a moment, and then deflate.

“In and out, Phil, it’s not that difficult, anyone can finger someone,”Dan said, in what was apparently supposed to be a mockery of Phil’s voice.

“I bet I could do it while distracting you, since I’m such an expert in all things Dan Howell’s Arsehole,”Phil said, in a smug imitation of Dan.

“Do your worst,” Dan said. “I’ll just pretend you’re not even here.”

“Let me know how that goes for you,” Phil said, clearing his throat before belting out:

_“I CAN SHOW YOU THE WORLD!”_

“PHILIP LESTER WE ARE NOT DOING THIS.”

_“SHINING, SHIMMERING, MORDOR…”_

“Oh god, you’re going to butcher the lyrics aren’t you,” Dan groaned in horror, his hands covering his face.

_“TELL ME, DANIEL, WHEN DID SOMEONE FUCK YOUR ARSE LIKE THIS?”_

Phil slipped a third finger in, and all of Dan’s resolve to tell him to shut up crumbled. Phil continued to thrust his fingers into Dan, brushing against his prostate and sending chills all over Dan’s body every time.

But the pleasure wasn’t enough to drown out the sound of Phil’s tone deafness.

_“A WHOLE NEW WORLDDDD.”_

“Phil.”

_“A NEW, CLAUSTROPHOBIC SPACE TO BE.”_

“Phil.”

“Dan shut up, I’m on a roll,” Phil said, but he was laughing. Dan dissolved into laughter too, his hands finally falling away from his face, which was bright red.

“Alright, that’s enough. At least I was  _good_ at the thing I did to piss you off.”

“Can I just be good at fucking you instead?”

“Sounds fantastic.”

Phil removed his slick fingers and grabbed the condom. It popped right out of his hand as he squeezed it to check for holes in the packet, and Dan cracked up.

“Here, I’ll do it,” Dan said, and Phil laughed too as Dan opened the foil and made quick work of the condom.

Phil used the excess lube to slick up his cock, and pulled Dan a bit closer, bending his legs against his chest.

“Ready?”

Dan nodded in answer, and they didn’t break eye contact as Phil pushed into Dan until he bottomed out.

Dan let out a long breath through his nose and he snaked his arms around Phil’s back, pulling him down so that their foreheads touched. He hooked the leg that was sandwiched between Phil and the seat over Phil’s hip, letting the other slide off of it and out of the way. Phil spread his knees a bit wider, bracing himself up on his elbows.

“Good?” Phil murmured, his voice thick with restraint against moving his hips until he was sure Dan was comfortable.

“Yeah. We were bound to figure out the space situation eventually,” Dan said, kissing Phil softly as the latter pulled out.

“You’re not mad about the song thing, are you?” Phil asked quietly against Dan’s lips.

“Phil, I will start singing High School Musical right now if you don’t shut your pretty mouth and fuck me.”

“Roger that,” Phil said, pushing his hips forward again and bottoming out.

Of all reactions he could have had, Dan  _laughed._

“What?” Phil panted, suddenly incredibly insecure about his performance.

“Nothing, I just thought - you know how you suck at doing the intro to Toxic?”

“That’s a matter of opinion.”

“Well, to do it right, you have to really  _moan._ What if you tried it now?”

“Jesus Dan, I thought you just wanted me to fuck you.”

“Multitasking is good for the brain.”

“Shut up,” Phil growled, his restraint snapping as he began to thrust into Dan at a steady rhythm.

 _“Shit,”_ Dan said through gritted teeth as Phil picked up speed. “You know what? I’d much rather you focused on this.” Dan ran his hands up Phil’s back, his breath hot on Phil’s neck.

“Thought so,” Phil said. “Have you forgotten how good sex with me is?”

“Let’s not be full of ourselves,” Dan teased, running a single finger up the length of Phil’s spine, leaving shivers in his wake.

“No, you’re full of me,” Phil breathed, adjusting his angle slightly and peppering kisses under Dan’s jaw. “That’s different. Also you’re damn good with your hands.”

“And you’re damn good with your mouth.” Dan dug his fingers into Phil’s back, leaving crescent-shaped imprints. “Ever tried using it for something besides sucking and sass?”

“What d’you mean?”

“Dirty talk.”

Phil had to pause and prop himself up so he could look Dan in the face properly.

“Why don’t you try it? You’re very talkative today.”

“Alright,” Dan said resolutely. “Now fuck me.”

Phil did as he was told, letting his forehead rest against Dan’s as he resumed his hard and fast pace.

“Fuck, Phil - fuck me until I can’t walk,” Dan whined through gritted teeth.

“That seems a bit excessive.”

“Jesus Christ,” Dan muttered under his breath in apparent shame.

“What? That’d be a bit rude of me to like, incapacitate you.”

“This is why we have sex the exact same way every time. Trying new things doesn’t work so well,” Dan sighed. Phil placed a quick kiss on Dan’s forehead, having slowed to a near stop to accommodate their conversation.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin it.”

“You haven’t. It’s just - would it kill you to play along? If you don’t like whatever it is then we can stop. But trying new things is good for the soul.”

“Right. New things like car sex.”

“Okay, fine. You have a point. But if you don’t shut up and wrap this up I’m literally going to die of heat stroke. Or suffocation because there is literally no air in here.”

“I’ve already wrapped it up,” Phil said, pointing to his cock proudly.

Dan absolutely lost it, the back of his head colliding with the car door as he threw his head back laughing. Phil’s eyes widened.

“What?” Dan asked, still giggling.

Phil continued to point as his dick, which was still halfway in Dan’s arse. Dan blinked.

“Don’t tell me you can  _feel me laughing_ ,” Dan said, his voice going high with disbelief.

“Yup, a little. Not altogether unpleasant, but it was a bit weird.”

“Well, then. You can feel my laughter in your dick. Isn’t the human body amazing?”

“ _Exceedingly_ so,” Phil said, pushing all the way back in.

Dan sighed, wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck, his eyes boring into Phil’s. He pushed his hips to meet Phil’s thrusts, eager to finish. He was hard enough to be uncomfortable, which would have annoyed him if he hadn’t been having so much damn fun.

“Mm close,” Phil murmured, still making eye contact. He sat up just enough to slip his hand between their bodies and pump Dan in his fist once, twice -

“Same,” Dan breathed, and Phil smirked, tightening his grip a bit.

Phil’s thrusts became more urgent and less rhythmic with every snap of his hips. Dan dug his fingernails into Phil’s biceps, and Phil let his head fall onto Dan’s shoulder.

 _“Shit, Phil,”_ Dan full-on moaned into Phil’s ear as he climaxed, scratching up Phil’s shoulders and spilling white over both of their stomachs. Dan had just come down from his high when Phil was coming too, his face buried in Dan’s neck and his hips riding out his orgasm.

Phil’s breath was hot against Dan’s skin, the air thick and smelling of sweat and sex. After a few moments of stillness, Phil pulled out slowly and collapsed onto Dan’s chest. Dan’s lips curved into a smirk.

Dan couldn’t resist patting Phil’s back awkwardly and whispering into his ear.

“Well done, Draco.”

All the moaning they had just done collectively was nothing compared to the groan of annoyance and disapproval that Phil let out, and Dan cracked up.

“Sorry. Couldn’t help it.”

“You’re not sorry and you could,” Phil sniffed, reaching his hand out and groping around in the center console without lifting his head.

“True,” Dan shrugged, accepting a few of the tissues Phil had offered him. They cleaned themselves up, Phil removing and tying the condom with slightly shaky fingers.

“You okay?” Dan asked as Phil curled up onto his chest once more.

“Yeah. Lots of buildup equals very forceful orgasm.”

“See? New things are good.”

“I guess,” Phil said, wrapping his arms around Dan as best he could. “But I’m not keen on doing this again anytime soon.”

“I’m not keen on  _moving_ anytime soon,” Dan yawned, brushing Phil’s sweaty fringe from his forehead.

“Don’t you have an essay to write?”

“Shhh, Phil. We’re cuddling now.”

Phil smiled up at Dan, and Dan grinned back. Phil mouthed  _love you_  before settling back into his place. Dan pressed a kiss to Phil’s hair, his fingers drumming against Phil’s side in a steady rhythm.

They lied in a tangle of limbs for a while, until neither of them could deny how sore they were already feeling.

“You know, there’s a solution for this space issue,” Dan said as he began pulling his clothes back on.

“What’s that? We stick to only large, cushioned surfaces from now on?”

“Excluding countertops.”

“Right.”

“Anyway, there’s that solution,” Dan said, putting his arms through the sleeves of his t-shirt. “Or: you get a flatbed truck. Whichever works.”


End file.
